Haider

Directed by: Vishal Bhardwaj

Starring: Shahid Kapoor, Tabu, Shraddha Kapoor, Kay Kay Menon, Irrfan Khan

Released: 2014

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

What to say? Everybody loved Haider. Or not? Everybody praised it. Or not? Perhaps there is still hope that others, just like me, ended up confused and uncomfortable as the closing titles rolled and Rekha Bhardwaj sang. Few things which distinctly stuck in my mind were the way pain and innocence on Shahid Kapoor´s handsome face transforming into insanity, the song picturized on the undertakers and then also the pristine, elf-like beauty which seems to radiate from Shraddha Kapoor´s very being. Then I also recall being grossed out at unnecessary gore and blood, and how I hate open endings.

Haider was probably the MOST universally praised movie of 2014, but somehow failed to click with me as a viewer. I am therefore unsure of even how to rate it. On one hand one has to admit this was something very unusual and as such a risk for a prolific Bollywood filmmaker, no matter what his previous track record. It also cannot be denied that the movie is extremely well acted, is well crafted. And finally this is what a good adaptation should look like – taking the essentials, directly referring to the original inspiration through the dialogues and even imagery, but still adding different background, contemporary touch and even its own twist. Oh - the two Salmans and their version of Mere Rang Mein was funny.

Yet for all this I could not bring myself to like the film. It disturbed me, but not moved me. I tried hard to immerse into the world of the characters, but for all my good will I remained a detached viewer. Part of it, at least in the beginning, probably has to do with me not having enough knowledge on the situation in Kashmir during the 90s. I felt it all a bit hazy as the bearded men wielding firearms kept running across the screen. Tabu´s large tragic eyes were completely believable, but for all her sadness I shed not a single tear for Ghazala (and I am a total crybaby. Like seriously, sometimes a simple happy hug on screen can turn me into a sobbing mess). Perhaps the realistic approach went against the film in the end, making it so credible I started longing for at least a bit of the damned escapist cinema. The songs were unnecessary (and quite forgettable), except for the theatrical Bismil, a take on the staged play from the original. Bhardwaj did better job as a composer this very year with Dedh Ishqiya. I also felt the movie was dragging, especially in the first half, and I made more than five breaks meanwhile.

What makes the experience worth it is without a doubt Haider himself – Shahid Kapoor in his best form post Kaminey. He becomes the character, leaving no trace of his stardom anywhere, not even as he dances with extreme energy and grace to „Bismil“. I do not think any other actor could match up to his standard in the scene when we for the first time see him „loosing his mind“, with a noose around his neck. Tabu and Irrfan Khan are both very good, though I perhaps expected something more from the former, given the amount of praise. Me and Tabu still have a long way to go, this being the first film where she actually does some acting. Kay Kay Menon is excellent. Shraddha Kapoor seems bit of a lost baby among others, but does a decent job, even though her character is only needed as a source of plot triggers (which do not even concern her).

I suppose that when asked, I am going to say that Haider is a good film. Just not really what I would watch repeatedly. Among Vishal Bhardwaj films I very much prefer his other Shakespearean venture in the form of Omkara, and at the cost of comitting a sacrilege, I would even give more points to his (often condemned) 7 Khoon Maaf.  

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Jai Ho

Directed by: Sohail Khan

Starring: Salman Khan, Tabu, Daisy Shah, Genelia D´Souza, Mohnish Behl, Suniel Shetty, Danny Denzongpa

Released: 2014

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - shitastic - good – great – amazing

What is the point of films like this? That´s right. There is none. For whatever reason Indian masses cannot imagine anything more awesome than a middle-aged guy being himself on screen year after year after year. Jai Ho (which immediately makes the famous A.R.Rehman track go off in my mind) tries hard to convince you it has a plot and a message, but it is really just random scenes plastered together to fill in the time between overstretched and, by now, boring scenes of Salman Khan beating everybody around him senseless. Sohail Khan probably wanted to pay homage to brother who feeds the whole khandaan and the rest.... like script and story... are yet again viewed as inferior. That said Jai Ho is still somehow one of better attempts at Salman Khan-ish cinema, definitely more watchable than atrocious Ready and not as boring as Bodyguard.

Let´s face it: this screenshot could be from any of Salman´s previous films and you wouldn´t notice.

The thought which is dragged through more than two hours is a genuinely nice one: if someone helps you, don´t say thank you, rather help another three people. I don´t know why you shouldn´t help AND thank, but OK. The flaw of this concept is naturally people are selfish bastards who rarely even say thanks, forget helping. But in Salman Khan´s bharat, where all social issues can be addressed in a single (awful) song, are people of pure hearts and indeed live by this rule. This „help other three“ stuff however soon gets on your nerves, because it is repeated about 50 times in the film, often within mere minutes from each other, and gets as annoying as the stop smoking ads in front of every film we all suffer through.

No, daddy, I will not stay home!

Other than that Jai Ho is a mix of bizarre and questionable, often brought to us by known and semi-known faces. I still cannot get my head around the character played by my lovely and cute Genelia D´Souza. She is obviously an extremely clever college student, unfortunately handicapped in a way, that prevents her from writing her tests herself. When her nikamma brother, who should be helping her, gets stuck in the traffic (and not for the first time), she fails the test and commits suicide. WTF. Are you seriously telling me such a bright, intelligent young woman would kill herself over ONE test? Are you telling me university will not give organize a retake for her, given her condition? Are you telling me in the whole building with thousands of students, teachers and staff they couldn´t find ONE person who would write for her instead of her brother? That is just an example of how idiotic situations make Jai Ho.

Tears.

Tears.

Between Salman Khan, Tabu, Mohnish Behl and Mahesh Thakur I has strange visions of Hum Saath Saath Hai going all wrong. They are all competent. Daisy Shah, a girl looking like a porcelain doll with baby face (bickering with a kid whom she calls with a nickname derived from his little „equipment“ while he know what colour her underwear is) , had a tiny role of no consequence and did Salman no favours by making everybody see he is another Khan too old for girls in their 20s. She dances beautiful, but I don´t see much of a future for her in Bollywood. A wild Suniel Shetty with a tank appears out of bloody nowhere too, just because. Danny Denzongpa is an iconic villain, and I don´t think Salman had such a strong opponent since the time of Sonu Sood.

How the hell did you know how to get here?

I followed the sound of tears.

In the end the movie can be really summed up as follows:

Note: I made the gifs from THIS amazing video :)

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Fanaa

Directed by: Kunal Kohli

Starring: Aamir Khan, Kajol, Rishi Kapoor, Tabu

Released: 2006

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

This film reminded me of something. I could not quite put my figer on it. But from the very start I had a feeling I have seen something similar, if not the same, before..... And only when it ended I realized it was one big mixture of DDLJ, Raja Hindustani, Fiza and Esmeralda (the first three being Bollywood movies, the last one a sickly sweet Venezuelan telenovela that plagued our screens several years back).

So we have Zooni, a simple, nice Kashmiri girl in love with her country. She is also in love with her dreams about the yet unknown to her Mr. Right. And she is played by Kajol, who doesn´t look a day older then what she did in DDLJ. So in result Zooni is actually Simran – with one difference only: she is blind (Esmeraldaaaaaa...... Esmeraldaaaaaa....lalala). After some convincing her parents decide they can let her go with her friends to go to Delhi and perform like a dance troupe in a ceremony for Independence Day. And since they are going to spend several days in the city, and they don´t want to just aimlessly walk around, they hire a tourist guide Rehan. And so Aamir Khan enters the film, lying lazily on his back and with an arrogant do-not-disturb attitude (that is the moment Pardesi Pardesi starts automatically playing in your ears). And guess what. He and Zooni fall in love almost immediately. Nothing wrong with that, but I must confess that I don´t find Kajol someone, who can stun you at the first sight with her appearance, and so it would have been better for me if Rehan actually took at least a little time before falling in love. Their bonding afterwards is done well, with Zooni leaving with him for a private sightseeing, him watching her performance with the dance troupe (in that song Kajol DID look beautiful) and finally getting drenched in the rain together and spending the night sharing a cot in not so completely innocent way. But by that time it is clear Rehan may not be who he seems (to the viewer, Kajol remains blissfully unaware). He receives a disturbing number of calls nobody talks about and he also occasionally mumbles something about himself not believing in romance, obviously trying (but not that hard as he could I must say) to shake off Zooni´s spell.

Best Kajol pairing - why couldn´t we see it before?

The love obviously cannot wait even for few days, and so Zooni makes a phone call to her parents that she fell in love and will be getting married. Oh, and by the way Rehan took her to a doctor (which obviously nobody else did before) and it seems she can be operated immediately (I want this kind of hospitals in my country!), after which she will regain her eye-sight! She undergoes the operation and when she finally opens her eyes, her parents are there, but Rehan isn´t. And the first thing they ask her to do is to identify the remains of a victim just killed in a bomb attack on a government building. And yes, she recognizes the sweater she made for Rehan herself.....

Something smells funny, nah? Especially because one remembers those mysterious signs pointing out that Rehan just may not be Rehan the poetry-loving tourist guide after all, and also because he is played by Aamir and you are just now in the middle of the film. While the first half is beautifully romantic and colourful, the second leaves the whole romance altogether and it turns into an attempt on a thriller. There are too many twists and turns to be described, but you can count on some not that exciting action scenes, some misplaced patriotism and an „unexpected“ reunion of the two main characters after years. And just like we have seen it in „Julie“, first sex equals to immediate pregnancy, so you can expect a mini-Rehan, who will give you some cheesy and annoying lines about trust and so on.

Knock, knock!

"DAMN!"

The film worked, especially the first part, mainly because of capable handling of the characters by the cast. The highlight is Kajol, who fits well into her Simran-mode, but her Zooni is more mature then Simran and also doesn´t have any pride. In the second half her role is, sadly, stripped of any real action (till the very end), but still she is the one who keeps the soul of Fanaa alive. Aamir is a good choice for Rehan, but one cannot help the feeling that the character is either badly written or wrongly understood by the actor. The best aspect about Aamir´s casting is his undeniable chemistry with Kajol, that for me is thousand times better then the one she reportedly shares with SRK. Who pleasantly surprised me was Rishi Kapoor. The fat guy in ridiculous sweaters romancing petite young girls disappeared and transformed into a big-hearted father – a role I completely loved him in. Tabu was a complete miscast. Her role had nothing to offer her and she was, honestly, rather unconvincing. The kid was terribly annoying. So yeah, it was mainly Kajol who found the best way among all the plot holes and at times rather bizzare situations that simply happen for the sake of something happening (even though I found her putting together bits of photos to create „Rehan´s“ face during her years of loneliness a big WTF moment). Aamir doesn´t raise any sympathy. He never seems to be sure of what he is actually doing, or even why. And he really annoyed me when he killed the only Rishi I ever loved (and the film-makers could have spared us him flowing under the ice. That was both over-creepy and hilarious.).

"Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"DAMN!"

Here comes my favourite sentence: The visuals were beautiful. Be it sunny Delhi or snowy Kashmir (ehm..... Poland. But at least you cannot really tell from what is shown, unlike in some other movies, that will go to any length to convince you Budapest is actually in Italy.), everything beautifully underlined the scenes and the mood. The soundtrack is nice, with two songs being especially beautiful – both in melody and in picturizations. I have already mentioned Des Rangila, where Kajol dances with her troupe, and the absolute winner is Mere Haath Mein. Special mention goes to rainy Dekho Na. On the other hand Chand Sifarish comes off as rather ordinary and Chanda Chamke should have never seen the light of day.

It is a definite must see for any Kajol fan, and objectively speaking she couldn´t have asked for a better role as her comeback after motherhood. However the next time I want to watch a heroine shooting somebody she loves for the sake of higher good, I will choose Fiza.

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Biwi no. 1

Director: David Dhawan

Starring: Salman Khan, Karishma Kapoor, Sushmita Sen, Anil Kapoor

Released: 1999

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I could hardly believe that a movie like Biwi no. 1 could actually be such a hit. In fact Biwi no. 1 is one of the most atrocious Bollywood movies I have seen and with its cringeworthiness triumphs even over a „gem“ like Raja Hindustani. The not-so-original story goes as follows – Prem (who else then Salman Khan with this name, right?) runs a successful family company, is seemingly happily married to Pooja (Karishma Kapoor), who manages to cook, worship, clean, take care of two children, mother-in-law and a dog, and still looks absolutely glamorous. However the marital bliss bores Prem to death and as soon as opportunity arises he starts romancing one of his company´s models Rupali (Sushmita Sen). Rupali does not cook, does not clean and she only takes care of herself, but hey – she is sexy and instead of a saree she wears mini skirts. And since her dream has always been to marry a rich guy, she soon accepts Prem romancing her. By the way – he somehow forgets to tell her he is already married.

The two lovers take a trip to Switzerland (as if there were no other countries in Europe) but all the privacy is lost when they run into Prem´s friend Lakhan (played by Anil Kapoor which results into a vain but constant expectation of him bursting into a notorious song starting with „ram pam pam ram pam pam rampa papam pam pam. . .) and his wife Lovelee (aka Tabu being wasted) and they keep running into them all the more they try to avoid them. Inevitably Rupali learns about Pooja´s existence but Prem quickly comes up with another lie about his marriage being arranged and his wife being mad. Rupali believes it without questioning. Some time after their return Pooja, the biwi no. 1, learns about this biwi no. 2, thanks to her dog, who tracks Prem down to Rupali´s house because he knows it is not appropriate for his Master to spent Karwachauth with some other woman. After this Pooja asks her husband to choose between his mistress and his wife, but only ends up heart-broken as he moves in with Rupali. 

It is really not as it looks like.

Time to turn B.I.T.C.H

What follows is Pooja´s war – even though I stayed unsure if she started it to get her husband back or to make his life hell. There is nothing inovative in the steps she takes against him and most of them are in the end more awkward then funny. As expected I was on her „side“ while watching Prem cheating, but as soon as she herself turns into. . .well . . . a bitch, she lost all my sympathy. In fact, Rupali seemed more appealing at times. The only thing that I appreciated was that the movie did not presented Rupali as being an evil person. All the characters, though, are acting somehow dumb and leave the viewer completely confused everytime. As much as one protests whenever a hero chooses the traditional Indian girl (traditional being the most important part) over a western wanna-be, it wouldn´t be as bad here, since the hero and heroine are already married and have family. But instead we are given the revelation that only if the wife too starts showing some serious skin and doing sexy photoshoots she can win her hubby back. And still – nothing is working (not even the emotional blackmailing of their two children, who do not hesitate to call upon the divine Big B himself to support their cause). Only after Rupali is deceived by Lakhan and leaves Prem he goes back to his family.

Emotional blackmailer no. 1

Emotional blackmailer no. 2

Emotional blackmailer no. 3

It is a film where everybody lies to everybody, nobody really bothers to understand the other, and all except the dog have no idea what to do. All the characters (except the dog again) end up being very unlikeable and one really does not care for them at all. Some atrocious acting involved. While Karishma and Anil Kapoor are stricktly OK, Sushmita Sen leaves no impression, Tabu is wasted and Salman Khan should be banned from ever trying to cry on screen. Saif Ali Khan in a cameo has no chance of saving anything. The children are extremely annoying – and the same word can be used for the musical score. There is not one memorable or even hummable song, and lyrics like „Ishq sona hai, ishq chandi hai, sona, sona, sona, sona“ are everything but golden.

Watch only if you are a MASSIVE Karishma Kapoor fan or are in a masochistic mood.

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