Swades

Directed by: Ashutosh Gowariker

Starring: Shahrukh Khan

Released: 2004

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Ghar aaja pardesi! That is pretty much what every scene, every dialogue and every frame of Swades screams, pleads and sings. Ghar Aaja and bring your potential with you, stop wasting it on other countries. But to be fair, even though Swades is about India, the message it sends is for all foreigners living beyond their borders, and what could have easily become the stereotypical „bad West, holy India“ film remains a very honest effort to share an idea. If one relates to it or not is personal business. Mohan relates.

Played by Shahrukh Khan at his handsomest best, NASA engineer Mohan, settled comfortably in a luxurious flat in the US, can boast of illustrious career and success, and all he lacks is a bit of love. And for that special kind of love he needs to go back to India, where his old nanny lives in an idylic village of Charanpur. The plan is to relocate her loving arms and care to America, however the longer Mohan stays among villagers and is confronted with their everyday troubles, which previously he was aware of, but never truly gave a thought to, the more he feels a need to do something to bring on the change for the better.

What struck me about Swades the most was that, even though idealistic, it had a very human touch thanks to all the characters, among which we do find certain figures that often fall prey to stereotypes, yet even though they have their peculiarities, they are never turned into caricatures here. Mohan himself too has a very normal vibe, and his interaction with the villagers and their customs give one a good idea about his character. He obviously feels awkward at times, thinks certain issues ridiculous, but he also never shows slightest disdain or disrespect. Finally the villagers and Nasa engineer find a midle-ground comfortable for them all. Finally, while the film criticizes poor living conditions of certain classes of people, there is no sadistic poverty porn included. It is not needed for making a point. At least me and Mohan got it without it.

In many ways I felt Swades was Shahrukh Khan´s Lagaan, just without nasty Englishmen and criket. More realistic, but the problem is the same. It is too damn long. While Lagaan insisted on having a whole criket match (that really does very little or nothing to people like me, who are not familiar with the sport and do not care for it), Swades takes about hour and a half for things to actually také shape and start moving along a bit. On the first watch I found the film quite boring, it was only later, when I rewatched it, knowing I shouldn´t expect any great action, that I could appreciate it more and actually notice charming details and nuances that, ultimately, do somehow make up for the lack of happenings. The other minor crib would be that the lead pair doesn´t share any chemistry whatsoever.

All the actors do a very good job, the star of them all being of course the already mentioned SRK. Devoid of any mannerism he is known for, he delivers one of his finest performances ever. His Mohan is charming and adorable (watch out for his „bathing“ scene), and his depression in the serious parts of the film is as real as the laughs he eludes from the viewer in others. I truly wish this Shahrukh would return to us, and serve us another well-fleshed out character he could bring to life, rather than seeing him playing himself, which he had contentedly done so for several years now. Swades is, among other things, also a collection of seemingly ordinary, touching moments. Unlike other movies of the same kind it is not obsessed with parampara, but sees traditions as a fertile soil from which progress should sprout, if treated right. Oh and a special shoutout to Geeta for being a great feminist character!

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Asoka

Directed by: Santosh Sivan

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Danny Denzongpa

Released: 2001

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I love history which in many cases leads to my hatred for many a historic film. Because way too often it is taken more as an inspiration for a story, using names and background, but it ends up being so manipulated, so violated, that it is beyond my ability to forgive. Asoka, as I understand, is one such film. Yet it remained spared my hatred. Why? Because when I first watched it my knowledge of Indian history was equal to zero. All I saw was a touching story and well made film. It was only later, when my knowledge increased, that I realized how inaccurate from historical point of view it actually was. Because of this I understand why people have been let down by the film, and why they don´t like it. For me though it remains what it originally was – a good movie. In fact, better than (in my opinion) overrated Lagaan, which it released alongside with and was compared to in many aspects. And to give Asoka some credit, it stated at the very beginning it is not an attempt at recreation of history...

What it is a recreation of, though only partly and I don´t think they admitted it, is a Sunil Dutt/Vyjayanthimala film Amrapali. Asoka makers took the best elements of the story and added them to the historic background of Asoka and his character. And thus we meet Asoka, a prince in disguise, roaming in a foreign country, removed by the wish of his mother from the royal court, where his own brothers would like to get rid of him, since he is extremely capable, and they can only match him as far as ambitions go. Taking a common name Pawan, he encounters another exiled royalty – princess Kaurwaki and her little brother Arya, who are on the run from unknown murderers who took lives of their parents. Asoka and Kaurwaki fall in love, but fate is not kind to them. Bound by a promise Asoka cannot reveal his identity and just a few days of separation from the hunted royal siblings end up in disaster.....

The beginning of the film, especially the initial bits of Asoka/Pawan withdrawing into a self-imposed exile, is actually kind of sloppy. There is bit too much of dorkiness in the prince, in other words Shahrukh is that funny, adorable himself I love, but it somehow doesn´t fit the character. From the profession of love for Kaurwaki, however, the film becomes better and better, causing much of a heartbreak and reaching its bitter, but still satisfactory ending. During this time Shahrukh Khan truly ceases to be Shahrukh and bit by bit he is devoured by Asoka – the character, who comes alive through him. The helpless indifference, the pain that cries for revenge or little moments of gentleness, Mr. Khan gave it all his best.

I recall that Asoka was the very first film I have seen of Kareena Kapoor – and I cannot be grateful for it enough. Had my first film of hers been KKKG, I would probably hate her guts for quite some time. But instead she was introduced to me as Kaurwaki, daring, brave and yet not fearless, very feminine and very strong. I loved her. Sure, I had to tolerate her very much non-historic wardrobe and wondered how she managed to paint her eyes so elaborately even while on the run, but in the end Kaurwaki impresses. Strangely enough I rooted both for her AND Devi, a girl Asoka marries, to have a happy ending. I liked them both, as they were both so full of love and so deeply rooted in their principles. Danny Denzongpa completes the main cast, as reliable and admirable as ever.

Cinematography is – simply put – gorgeous. A times as if camera forgot about the characters and story, and lingered for a while on a minor detail, brought it up to its attention and admired its beauty. Musical score is beautiful – with an exception of the „evil theme“ stolen from the Lord of the Dance soundtrack – and Roshni Se has to be one of the most wonderfully picturized love songs ever.

As I have said before, the film lifts the most important moments from Amrapali. It doesn´t necessarily work as a period film, as mentioned before, but it works wonderfully as a love story with a historical background. And when you get used to Shahrukh´s long hair.... it´s even better :)

In fact... it makes him even more sexy....

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Jab Tak Hai Jaan

Directed by: Yash Chopra

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Katrina Kaif, Anushka Sharma

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

In spite of the fact there were other movies that earned more, I don´t think it´s wrong to say Jab Tak Hai Jaan was the biggest release of the last year, at least as far as expectations are concerned. Well, not mine really, because I never considered Yash Chopra a great director, I did not like the promos and it is no secret I don´t exactly love Katrina Kaif. That, I guess, allowed me to be more benevolent to the film than I would have been had I expected something amazing. Because the film is far from being so. In fact, it is quite far from being good even. Jab Tak Hai Jaan is simple entertainer that does manage to be bearable for most part, but you have to deliberately forgive it much, maybe even too much. The faint-worthy reviews that flooded the media right before the premier were talking about the most epic of the epic films ever, which to be honest I believe were strongly influenced by the sad demise of the director shortly before and nobody dared to give a bad review. It was only after a while that reviews more accurate and less impressed began to appear. Indeed, there are two ways of seeing Jab Tak Hai Jaan. First – while watching the only thing you see is that this is the last film of am extremely popular director, popular not only as a filmmaker, but as an off-screen persona also. Second – you watch it as a film, detached from the facts of reality, and without sentiments. And that was how I watched it. And that is why I can say Jab Tak Hai Jaan is among those Yash Chopra films that are simply not good.

No ammount of sexy could save the script from bombing.

To be fair it is not the direction that is wrong, not at all. The main culprit is the script full of plot holes and characters that are not appealing. Nonsense piled upon nonsense, until I was just left wondering how much further it can go. The first ten minutes are already full of loopholes. Why didn´t Samar jump for Akira sooner? Why after getting her out of water he obviously took time to dress her into his own coat BEFORE starting resuscitating her? Who is as stupid as to leave their army jacket with everything in the pockets inside (including „Dear Diary“) with a completely unknown person? Well, that is Major Samar Anand for you. A man of extreme sexiness, being all quiet and communicating with intense stares. As Akira finds out from the diary, he used to be 25 (or 28, some contradictory information were given) once upon a time, all hyper and full of zest, slogging happily in London and doing various jobs that didn´t really earn him much. He meets a rich girl Meera, who is unsure of what she wants in life, NEVER feels cold and is also a bit of a racist (back in the day she was a blonde white child begging God not to get her married to any Indian because they are brown), and falls in love with her. 

Did I mention that it is possible to become a waiter at the most snobbish London restaurant without a proper knowledge of English, just by being able to order fish quickly for a certain person?

It takes a while before she decides to return his feelings, because she is engaged to a white guy, but after a heart-to-heart talk with a mother who has left her as a child to be with her lover and did not contact her for years, Meera decides Samar is worth it. They are as happy as one can imagine. They have cute time and sexy time and let´s-run-through-the-whole-London-to-see-him-off-to-work time, until Samar decides not to heed the basic rules of driving which results into him being run over by a car and Meera doing what every sensible girlfriend would: she immediately promises to God that if he lets Samar live, she will never see him again. Because that is how God works for Meera, you see? He lets her pass exams and she gives up chocolate (instead for example promising to use her education to better the lives of others).

"Give me some acting skills and take my firstborn!"

And so when Samar comes to his senses, she comes to announce she loves him and she is ditching him. Instead of realizing Meera is dumb, Samar is angry at „sir Jesus“ and to prove Meera wrong he decides to join Indian army and play with his life (although if he really wanted to prove his point he could have just commit suicide) as a leader of a bomb-disposal unit in Kashmir. That is where annoying Discovery channel reporter Akira steps in with her completely inappropriate wardrobe and puke-worthy presentation of today´s generation of girls, and falls in love with Samar within days after learning his sob-story.

IMO those ten years in Kashmir did him well. Drooling.

Akira wants Samar to go to London for a day, so her bosses can verify her film on him, and after some thinking Samar indeed comes. And is hit by a car, which I can only see as a not too subtle a message of the film that you should look to the right and to the left before you cross the road. When he wakes up in a hospital, it turns out he has lost his memory. Well, not entirely. He only doesn´t remember anything that happened after his first accident – including Meera ditching him the same way she gave up chocolates. The genius doctor decides that the best way to bring on Samar´s memory is to create a false reality for him, where everybody will lie to him and make up fake memories, a reality where Meera is his wife and he owns a big restaurant in London. Because yeah, that is how he is surely going to remember he spent ten years playing with death on the other side of the world. 

That one moment when I could relate to Akira.

As for Meera, she did not marry anyone, did not age a day, and spent those ten years moping around. She agrees to be a part of the plan, but gives up few days later, because being close to Samar gives her pain – because she still hasn´t understand God is not a vengeful monster who works on her command and that he actually has understanding for things like love. Fortunately Samar gets his memory back – in one of the least exciting bomb-disposal scenes ever, and returns to Kashmir. If you think he finally came to his senses and realized Meera is just a dumb bench, you are wrong, and so we get to see him being reunited with her, as she randomly changes her mind in the end.

"Why should I let you defuse a bomb? I don´t even know who you are!"

"I am a random brown guy with obvious knowledge of explosives. I cannot possibly be a terrorist who came by to make sure things go boom. How will you live with yourself if you won´t  let me solve this without questioning?"

"Let him in. He´s sexy. There is no way this could go wrong."

The saddest part is that the film at no point really gives you a vibe of being an epic love story. That is largely given by Shahrukh sharing no chemistry whatsoever with either of the actresses, and not even the infamous three kisses he shares with Katrina, and around which a lot has been written, save anything. They are not as awkward as some people were describing them, but at the same time they were just so randomly thrown in and thanda and not needed one asks what lead Yash Chopra and SRK both to break an old rule they both had. At the same time I don´t understand the big hoopla about it.

"Yeah, it´s not like I haven´t showed my naked butt in a film before."

What actually irritated me was when, after watching the movie, I realized that Shahrukh had pretty much nothing to do. Everything shown he has done before – and better. There was not a single scene he could actually sink his teeth into, and indeed he served more like an impuls the two women reacted to more than and actual hero. Both Katrina and Anushka had, ironically, better roles (in terms of making things happen, not in terms of being good characters). Samar Anand thus becomes one of the least inspiring and memorable SRK´s characters. I also found it ridiculous that they tried to pass him off as being 25. Camera filters did erase his wrinkles (to the point he seemed a cartoon at times), but it couldn´t erase the maturity of his face, eyes, or voice. He is good, of course. But at the same time extremely lukewarm compared to his other roles. And I realized, that I don´t want Shahrukh to do films like these. I don´t want him to be a loverboy. Not again, not anymore. Let him do a mature romance. That is something I would love to see.

Katrina Kaif is no longer irritating on screen for me. And she can dance well. However her lack of acting skills is once again for everyone to see. Meera is not a well-written character (she has to be the worst YRF heroine ever), but there was potential in the role for a good performer to turn her into something. Katrina however, makes her only worse. What is it that Samar saw in Meera apart from her being hot? In the best moments she still seems detached from what is going on around her. Her expressions hardly ever changes, apart from her mouth being opened of shut, her dialogue delivery remains cringe-worthy. Meera´s dealing with God were nothing short of disgusting for me. I probably wouldn´t dare to say anything if Meera was a Hindu or Muslim, or belonged to any religion I am not a part of and hence cannot really comment on, but she was a Christian, and there I can firmly say, that she had the most deformed vision of God possible. A God who trades life successes for minor discomforts, a God to whom it is more important that you fulfill a promise that came out of your own mind and not on any demand of His than that His children prosper in love together, that is not a Christian God, that is some strange creature with ways more similar to devil than „sir Jesus“. 

Neutral.

Annoyed.

Uncertain.

Emotional

Relieved.

Devastated/suffering.

Happy.

Anushka Sharma, on the other hand, does have it in her to give us a good performance – Akira however is yet another in her growing collection of bubbly characters she has done in films like Patiala House, Ladies vs. Ricky Bahl and Band Baaja Baraat. Hyper, loud, cheerful, ambitious. And terribly annoying. In her case I am not sure if the blame is hers or if it should be put completely on Aditya Chopra and his poor writing skills. Anupam Kher, Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Singh have fleeting cameos, but are a welcomed relief. In fact the moment when Neetu recognizes „her daughter“ who had come to visit her, brought a tear in my eye.

"We should teach them what is romance, no?"

One thing I have to admit: The film doesn´t feel old-fashioned, in spite of some old-fashioned elements, Yash Chopra indeed was young in spirit. That however doesn´t make Jab Tak Hai Jaan any better. It is an average fair, below par next to everything Yash Chopra ever did (and I´ve seen), that even in the music department. Out of the whole soundtrack only Chhala and Jiya Re are worthy of more attention. The title song doesn´t stick in mind, and Saans and Heer are nice, but too whiny to listen to after a while. Ishq Shava I almost forgot about already. The opening titles melody I loved. In fact Shahrukh Khan riding his bike to the music was the best part of the whole movie for me.

Jab Tak Hai Jaan is a movie that doesn´t do justice to absolutely anyone involved, least of all an iconic director, whose films I may not love, but I still respect for his contribution to the cinema.

"This was supposed to top Lamhe, dammit."

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Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge

Directed by: Aditya Chopra

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Kajol, Amrish Puri, Farida Jalal, Anupam Kher

Released: 1995

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I was deeply disappointed by Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge. It is a film you will find in all the „must see“ Bollywood lists, it is massively popular and what is even more amazing it is still running in the theaters. For some it is the best of the best Bollywood movies ever. An evergreen classic. And it did not blow me away at all when I saw it the first time. I still remember how I was sitting in front of the screen as the closing credits rolled, me rather baffled, and I thought to myself: „Was that it?“ I failed to see the greatness there should be to rave about completely. But then after some time I returned to the film. And since then I have done so about four times. And other times I watched just small portions of it. And I realized that the beauty of DDLJ is in its simplicity and repeat value. It does not have the most amazing plot twist and it is all in all quite predictable, it does not have gorgeous sets to take your breath away and editing is a bit sloppy at times, but the film has an unusual freshness to it that can still be felt years after it first released and got so many fans.

This really wouldn´t be my reaction over prospect of being stuck with SRK....

The story line is notoriously known so let´s just sum it up quickly: Europe. Raj meets Simran. Simran hates Raj because he saw her bra and actually can play a piano. Raj doesn´t rape Simran even though they spend a night in a closed space together. Simran and Raj fall in love. But oh! Simran´s dad is Amrish Puri which in itself spells trouble. And indeed we are given his famous deadly stare and off goes Simran to India and her arranged fiancé she has never even seen. Raj, fully armed with a mandoline and a cow bell, follows, chupke chupke. Raj convinces everyone, while being in disguise, he is the most perfect guy ever. Amrish Puri deadly stares as he finds out the truth. Raj apologizes for even trying and makes a quick exit. Amrish Puri deadly stares as a train with Raj starts to move forward. They stare at each other. Still staring. Amrish Puri has a sudden change of heart and urges Simran to outrun the train and hop on. Simran runs. Running. Dramatic music in the background. Simran catches Raj´s hand and he pulls her into the train. 

One of the most famous Bollywood endings has actually many shortcomings. Why doesn´t the train actually move at the speed it should. Why doesn´t Simran hop into the nearest door and instead needs to outrun several carriages. Why the hell doesn´t Raj actually step out of the train? But as I´ve said before, DDLJ is not a perfect, flawless film. It has loads of fluffy charm to make up for it. Not even the performances are award-worthy (though numerously awarded), but there is so much earnestness in young Shahrukh Khan and natural appeal in Kajol you believe them without a complaint. It is no secret I am no fan of their jodi, as appalling as it sounds to many of you. I think they look like siblings most of the time. DDLJ however presented them so well even I couldn´t rant about my reservations towards the couple. Still, it shall forever be a great sorrow to me that DDLJ could not have been made with the original choice for Simran, the unfortunate Divya Bharti...

People usually rave about the second part of the movie, which almost entirely belongs to Shahrukh Khan as Raj, whilst Kajol as Simran remains largely passive, letting him do what he seems fit - after all that is what he asks her to do. I personally enjoyed the first part with their bonding in Switzerland more, it had more of things actually happening and there was more delightful comedy involved, it was also a lot less tear-heavy. The supporting character actors were dearly loved people whom we have learned to see in every other movie. They all do what we are used to know from them. Amrish Puri being the negative person in the film (but for once not evil), Farida Jalal an understanding and gentle mother, Anupam Kher a slightly whacky dad who interferes with everybody´s bussiness. All were lovely to watch. Though as a person who knows Karan Johar primarily as a TV host and a director of awful films it was kind of bizzare to watch him on screen as one of SRK´s friends...

"Actually, keep your daughter. Our kids could inherit your stare."

Great deal in the film´s appeal also lies in an extremely melodious and catchy soundtrack. It involves two pretty much iconic songs Tujhe Dekha To and Mehndi Laga Ki Rakhna, but all the tracks are good.

DDLJ is definitely overrated when labeled as perfect and the best ever film. But it is undeniably an all time classic with a truly tremendous repeat value, and it definitely belongs to all those „must see“ lists, even though if only as a reference point to the modern Bollywood romance it has become alongside two other biggies – Hum Aapke Hain Koun and Dil To Pagal Hai. The big three to bring romance and family values back after all the action packed massalas that ruled the cinemas for years post Sholay. It also remains the best Aditya Chopra work till date. In fact, I don´t think he came even close with any of his other movies. A begginer´s luck perhaps?

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When your favourites disappoint

They say you only are a true fan if you are willing to suffer through your favourite´s god-damn-awful filmography. Bad films happen. To everybody from Dilip Kumar to Akshay Kumar. Sometimes they are not even really that bad, but somehow disappointing and weak. Some of such films of some of my favourite actors to follow.

Jodi Breakers

Directed by: Ashwini Chaudhary

Starring: Madhavan, Bipasha Basu, Omi Vaidya

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I tried to watch the film before, but turned it off after first 15 or so minutes, but then I told myself I may not want to be as harsh, after all Madhavan is my teddy-bear. Sadly his presence doesn´t save the film, and the character he plays is actually one of the most annoying loosers I´ve seen on screen. Bipasha is way too unbelievable with her innocent act and the two have no chemistry. The film has one of the dumbest twists (and resolves) ever. So he destroys somebody else´s marriage so his ex-wife can get a rich new husband and he gets his car back? Really? And I am supposed to root for this person? And frankly I didn´t see s single reason what would Sid need Sonali as his partner anyway, thus even the basic plot doesn´t really make sense. To top it all Omi Vadiya was completely annoying as a sex God from the high heavens. In one word: lame. Why was Helen in this?

.....

Paa

Directed by: R. Balki

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Vidya Balan, Abhishek Bachchan

Released: 2009

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I guess some films are just overrated. After having a shock from rather awkward subtitles narrated for whatever reason by Jaya Bachchan, I was kept waiting .... and waiting for the awesomeness praised by the critics to appear, but it never did. The story deals with a very sad issue of progeria, a rare disease causing the body to age before its time – and that very rapidly. The main character, a twelve years old boy Auro, suffering from the condition, actually has a body of an 80 year old. And what more – he doesn´t have a father. Or rather, doesn´t know him. After all this father did not want a child and only because Auro´s mother refused to go for an abortion and left her partner was the child born. The fate however brings the family together again. Everybody in the film does an OK job. From Abhishek to Amitabh, who did not really understand what age he is trying to act. Instead of a 12 years old his handling of the character made Auro seem like barely 7 years old boy. He did well, don´t get me wrong, but nothing overly impressive. I had the same problem with Sridevi in Sadma, where she is supposed to act like 7 years old, but instead gives an impression of a four-year-old, and that does a hell lot of a difference. Vidya is the best of the lot, but is criminally deprived of deserved screen time by the male protagonists. If anything the movie should have been named Maa, because what I took from the film was really the assurance that love of a mother is above everything.

.....

Bhootnath

Directed by: Vivek B. Sharma

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Aman Siddiqui, Juhi Chawla, Shahrukh Khan

Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Not one, but two favourites included – Shahrukh and Juhi – and yet... oh Mr. Sharma this is a perfect example of wasting great acting talent. When you have actors like this you don´t give all the screentime to a kid. Bhootnath is a fine film for children, but far from a great piece of cinema the director presents it till this day.

Shahrukh, the freakingly handsome in his white uniform sea cruise captain moves his wife and son into a new house, not caring everybody says it is haunted. He promptly leaves and his wife invests all her time to attempts to make the new living space more comfortable, while their son soon discovers the house is indeed haunted by a grumpy and dirty old ghost. In no time, they become friends. There are way too many question concerning the ghost (sometimes he can´t touch things, sometimes he can, he apparently eats and can shave and wash..... way too many supernatural powers for one sad soul if you ask me, and pretty much defying everything one would imagine when it comes to ghosts), but I guess children wouldn´t really mind. However the kids should not be too demanding. There is nothing scary or hilarious about the story and the situations shown. See, I don´t even know what else to write. Watch and forget movie.

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Chalte Chalte

Directed by: Aziz Mirza

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Rani Mukherjee

Released: 2003

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Sometimes I am simply in need to see something with Shahrukh Khan, no matter what it is, no matter what bad things I´ve heard about it. There was nothing particularly bad (or good for the matter) that I´ve heard about Chalte Chalte, and people hardly ever mention it, if they are not talking about the infamous Aishwarya bussiness. After seeing the film I know why. Because there is really not anything that would 1. stay in mind 2. make one go gaga (except for several shirtless SRK scenes) 3. irritate you.

Raj and Priya are both extremely attractive people from two completely different social classes, with different views of the world, life and just about everything, so they naturally fall in love. They get married after just several days. And then they realize it may not have been the best idea, as they keep fighting each other everyday over most trivial matters. They go from heartbreak to heartbreak only to realize love conquers all in the end. That´s it.

SRK hota hai.... to pyaar hota hai.

If it aims to be a love story, then the plot fails, even though the first twenty minutes are pure romance with all the naivity and fluff of Bollywood films, including infatuation at first sight, singing  instead of talking and also washing cows in the country. But as the film progresses one can see that the romancing at the beginning was just an excuse for showing us the story of man´s ego and pride. And the portrayal of it, with all the sudden ups and downs of Raj´s mood and nearly violent outbursts of anger is very real (I know some people who are exactly like that). Unfortunately the role and the film had nothing to really offer to SHAHRUKH KHAN, and Rani is even more wasted. They are both absolutely terrific actors, but here the script lets them both down - and most of the time Rani was on screen I kept imagining Aishwarya in her place, because ironically her more OTT acting and more OTT crying just might have, in the result, have greater impact. Serious lack of chemistry between the two characters doesn´t really help to save the day. And when the end comes, you cannot detect any change at all - neither in Priya nor in Raj, and one has to ask why did you have to endure this whole teary/screamy journey if it is, most likely, going to repeat again.... and again..... and again......

Welcome my bride! I have just killed the last bug in out new appartment.

There is another irony as both Shahrukh and Rani had previously done films dealing with basically the same issue – marital problems. Rani did Saathiya and Shahrukh Hum Tumhare Hain Sanam, which both had their share of success. Chalte Chalte is more polished (and technically more relevant) HTHS and slightly more mature version of Saathiya. Which leaves you with another problem. You have seen this before. And with the same actors. And as it happens just one year before.

There were little thing I loved though. First is the memorable scene of Priya coming for the first time into Raj´s appartment as a bride. The way how he quickly improvizes to finish all the rituals was absolutely sweet and well done - and Priya´s expression as she looks around and sees all the guy´s mess make you honestly laugh. This is also probably the first film where I did not see Johnny Lever being the fun part of the movie. On the contrary - it was almost painful to watch him, and I must say he was incredibly convincing and I wanted to know more about him and his character then about the whole main plot!

Johnny Lever steals the show?

But I tried so hard.

When it comes to music, again - nothing makes you excited and nothing makes you roll eyes. It is "normal", if you get the meaning. And "normal" is the whole film. I wouldn´t recommend it to a person who is not in love with either Rani or Shahrukh, and even though I love them both, it is not a film I would need to see twice.

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Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna

Directed by: Karan Johar

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Rani Mukherjee, Abhishek Bachchan, Preity Zinta, Amitabh Bachchan, Kirron Kher

Released: 2006

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I will never really understand where did my courage to watch Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna come from. Till this day I have not been able to overcome the outrage and hate that both have come over me after watching Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Ghum, which I consider the worst film I´ve ever seen. I guess it was only my devotion to Shahrukh Khan and my wish to know his complete body of work, combined with being naturally curious what is all the fuss about, that made me watch KANK. After 15 minutes I already knew I was going to suffer.

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna is basically a story about two people whose personalities suck big time and that not as much because of the circumstances but because they choose to. Shahrukh as Dev is an arrogant, selfish and most of all self-pitying brat with no respect whatsoever. Once he was a famous football player but after being hit by a car his career was over and he is limping ever since. Sure, something like that could make anyone deeply depressed, but Dev, rather than trying to move on and be useful, decides to sulk for years, blaming the whole world and mentally terrorizing his little son (I was just waiting for the kid to be hospitalized as mentally unstable and crippled for life). I don´t think I ever disliked any Shahrukh´s character as much. Even when he played an evil person like in Anjaam or Don, there was something you could admire or at least appreciate (even though what they do is wrong). But Dev is just a disgusting piece of existence, giving nothing to anyone, being jealous of his wife´s (Preity) success and destroying every moment of peace for everybody around. I am no fan of perfectly flawless characters , I like it when they are human with flaws, but there is limit to everything. Maybe it was my utter dislike for the character, but either not even Shahrukh´s acting could have make me like Dev or even Shahrukh was just bad in this. Based on my opinion that except for My Name Is Khan Karan Johar has always managed to bring out the worst out of him, I sadly tend to believe the second option.

Herodes could learn how to treat kids from Dev....

Rani as Maya is not an inspiring person either. Also wallowing in self-pity she is pushing away any chance of being happy with her husband Rishi (Abhishek). The film tried to present her as being oh so poor a soul because she does not feel romantic love for Rishi, but I only wanted to scream at her for being such a life-ruiner. Rishi is a husband of dreams really. He copes up with everything she does or says without a complaint. He is incredibly giving. And she apparently doesn´t give a damn. In this sense she is same as Dev. They both obviously LOVE being miserable and they LOVE to blame others for it. HOW in the world am I supposed to be their fan or even feel for them? Impossible!

Let´s just behave like a total ass so I can embarass my partner and pity myself even more.

In a very apparent plot twist these two fall in love and start having a secret affair consisting mainly of getting drenched in the rain and singing songs in imaginary sorrounding Karan Johar style. Up until of course they are caught..... and they separate.... and they are oh so noble now and want to save their marriages.... and they end up together of course after one of the most teary, excruciating and longest climaxes ever. By that point I was already skipping whole minutes, completely worn out by all that crap I had managed to sit through. I was not interested AT ALL in what Dev and Maya were through.

One of the greatest sore spots in the film also remains Amitabh Bachchan in his possibly most cringe worthy role ever – Sexy Sam – out of whose hangover he is suffering till this day. Instead of cool he was sleazy and his part in the story was completely unnecessary. I guess his parts of the film were supposed to be mostly fun, but this intention fails completely.

Hi! I´m Sexy Sam. Embarassment of the decade.

The saving graces are performances by Preity Zinta and Abhishek Bachchan. In other circumstances I would always choose Rani and Shahrukh over them, but not here. Theirs were the bits I enjoyed and the best scene of them all has to be Preity slapping Shahrukh after finding out the truth.

KANK fails. In basically every department. I am nobody to preach about fidelity between husband and wife (though yeah, I believe in the concept) and I can see why many marriages fail. I am not saying two people HAVE TO live with each other if they are so very unhappy. However the way infidelity is presented in this movie makes it all seem actually right and legit. There are other films that deal with the same issue and yet they manage to show all the involved people as likeable humans with reasons of their own, like Yash Chopra´s Silsila or most recently Imtiaz Ali´s Rockstar, but Karan Johar, skilled with pouring glycerine but completely clueless about real feelings makes it all one great mess where you hate the hero, you hate the heroine and you hate their love story. And you definitely hate Sexy Sam.

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