Jai Ho

Directed by: Sohail Khan

Starring: Salman Khan, Tabu, Daisy Shah, Genelia D´Souza, Mohnish Behl, Suniel Shetty, Danny Denzongpa

Released: 2014

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - shitastic - good – great – amazing

What is the point of films like this? That´s right. There is none. For whatever reason Indian masses cannot imagine anything more awesome than a middle-aged guy being himself on screen year after year after year. Jai Ho (which immediately makes the famous A.R.Rehman track go off in my mind) tries hard to convince you it has a plot and a message, but it is really just random scenes plastered together to fill in the time between overstretched and, by now, boring scenes of Salman Khan beating everybody around him senseless. Sohail Khan probably wanted to pay homage to brother who feeds the whole khandaan and the rest.... like script and story... are yet again viewed as inferior. That said Jai Ho is still somehow one of better attempts at Salman Khan-ish cinema, definitely more watchable than atrocious Ready and not as boring as Bodyguard.

Let´s face it: this screenshot could be from any of Salman´s previous films and you wouldn´t notice.

The thought which is dragged through more than two hours is a genuinely nice one: if someone helps you, don´t say thank you, rather help another three people. I don´t know why you shouldn´t help AND thank, but OK. The flaw of this concept is naturally people are selfish bastards who rarely even say thanks, forget helping. But in Salman Khan´s bharat, where all social issues can be addressed in a single (awful) song, are people of pure hearts and indeed live by this rule. This „help other three“ stuff however soon gets on your nerves, because it is repeated about 50 times in the film, often within mere minutes from each other, and gets as annoying as the stop smoking ads in front of every film we all suffer through.

No, daddy, I will not stay home!

Other than that Jai Ho is a mix of bizarre and questionable, often brought to us by known and semi-known faces. I still cannot get my head around the character played by my lovely and cute Genelia D´Souza. She is obviously an extremely clever college student, unfortunately handicapped in a way, that prevents her from writing her tests herself. When her nikamma brother, who should be helping her, gets stuck in the traffic (and not for the first time), she fails the test and commits suicide. WTF. Are you seriously telling me such a bright, intelligent young woman would kill herself over ONE test? Are you telling me university will not give organize a retake for her, given her condition? Are you telling me in the whole building with thousands of students, teachers and staff they couldn´t find ONE person who would write for her instead of her brother? That is just an example of how idiotic situations make Jai Ho.

Tears.

Tears.

Between Salman Khan, Tabu, Mohnish Behl and Mahesh Thakur I has strange visions of Hum Saath Saath Hai going all wrong. They are all competent. Daisy Shah, a girl looking like a porcelain doll with baby face (bickering with a kid whom she calls with a nickname derived from his little „equipment“ while he know what colour her underwear is) , had a tiny role of no consequence and did Salman no favours by making everybody see he is another Khan too old for girls in their 20s. She dances beautiful, but I don´t see much of a future for her in Bollywood. A wild Suniel Shetty with a tank appears out of bloody nowhere too, just because. Danny Denzongpa is an iconic villain, and I don´t think Salman had such a strong opponent since the time of Sonu Sood.

How the hell did you know how to get here?

I followed the sound of tears.

In the end the movie can be really summed up as follows:

Note: I made the gifs from THIS amazing video :)

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Boss

Directed by: Anthony D´Souza

Starring: Akshay Kumar, Mithun Chakraborthy, Shiv Pandit, Danny Denzongpa, Ronit Roy, Aditi Rao Hydari

Released: 2013

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

This film made no sense at all (including having opening titles 40 minutes into the film). And no kind of "it is supposed to be brainless" justifies how LAME the whole plot was. At least your characters and their basic principles should not be contradicting themselves.

Possibly the most essential role in the film is that of a father, because the relationship he shares with his son is the driving motivation for EVERYTHING that takes place, and gaining his affection is what the whole plot is striving for. However, as good an actor as Mithunda is, I found his character obnoxious and holier than thou. I could perhaps understand him being furious after the other boy was killed, but when the kid comes out of the jail he is viciously attacked by several armed adult men and he HITS THEM WITH A BUCKET, which results in father rejecting him forever without even giving him an opportunity to say a word in his own defence. WTF??? And in the end, when the boy´s death turns out to had been accidental, this father accepts the son even though he now IS a goonda and just killed a guy in front of him (and possibly have killed others, as is implied earlier in the film). What about your high principles babuji?

Just let me collect my feelings Babuji....

The film did not have to be a waste at all. It definitely had potential. In fact the first 40 minutes were rather intruiging, setting the backdrop for the later story. Kick-ass Danny Denzongpa who could really still kick your ass even today was awesome, the villainous police officer (whom everybody kept calling by his first name which was just weird) really menacing, and the young pair of lovebirds adequate. And then out of nowhere Akshay is beating people to some desi beat and riding cars on just two wheels through the desert. The tone of the film changed so abruptly it was not welcomed. What I thought would be a gripping family drama suddenly transformed into a silly comedy. Given it was not all bad, there were funny bits, but way too often slipping to OTT. I kept thinking that the basic idea of the movie would work very well - if it was either thriller or comedy, but definitely not as both. The mix did not work in film´s favour. At one point I hoped that Boss would be torn between loyalty to Danny and that to his family, and he would have to deal with lots of emotional drama. Instead his bro got into jail. So he set him free. And he got there again. So he again set him free. And that was it.

Bhai ka pyaar comes with an extra pair of cool shades

Aditi Rao Hydari was another contradiction. She is supposed to be "sabse alak" and her first shot is raising out of a pool in bikini, but firstly her strength is being cute and not sexy and secondly for the rest of the film she is as average as you can imagine, not to mention covered from head to toe. I hoped for some confrontation between her and her brother, but there is none, not even when she is supposed to send him to blazing hell. Then again, women do not have any importance in the Boss universe. If leave out sabse most covered Aditi, all we are left is bunch of "gori whoris" in the songs (which were all unquestionably pathetic). Party all night has possibly the most disgusting and cheap picturization this year. BTW notice how the only girl wearing something more than a bra and tiny skirt is another sabse alak Sonakshi Sinha, in a cameo TRULY unworthy of her talent.

Akshay has never looked more desperate

And how

da phuck

did this

made it through Censor board?

To sum it up, Boss had a great start and then started limping just like the old babuji, only to end up in the same place as the bomb-chika-chika-bum. It could have been really good, if they had sorted out what they were making in the first place and adjusted the script accordingly. The movie can also boast with many awesome names that have made place for themselves in our hearts, and they do deliver in whatever way they are allowed to, but truly, they all deserve much better

I think I´l l disown him for that party.

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The Burning Train

Directed by: Ravi Chopra

Starring: Dharmendra, Vinod Khanna, Jeetendra, Hema Malini, Parveen Babi, Neetu Singh, Danny Denzongpa, Simi Garewal

Released: 1980

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Choo choo! This ride gave me quite a few surprises. Firstly, I was a bit skeptical about a film with a title basically giving away the whole plot. Secondly, the post-Sholay action films are not always my cup of tea. And finally there was Jeetendra listed among the cast, which so far has always been enough to turn me off a movie completely. However in the end curiosity got the better out of me and I ended up not only enjoying the this speeding and flaming journey, but even spent a whole day thinking about it and singing the songs from it in my head.

A mix of masala and American catastrophic genre, The Burning Train may not be completely original when it comes to situations it chooses to show, especially as the big tragedy starts, but at the same time it manages not to feel wanna-be-ish. It starts like a standart Indian masala – since childhood Vinod and Ashok were the best of friends, brushing aside easily angered Randhir (and being actually quite assholes to him for no reason), and the relations remained unchanged even after they grew up into Vinod Khanna, Dharmendra and Danny Denzongpa respectively. After being pushed out from a little train by Vinod, after being rejected by Parveen Babi in favour of Vinod, as well as being rejected as a supervisor and creator of a new luxury train in favour of Vinod, Randhir decides that enough is enough and once the ambitious „Super Express“ is launched with great fanfare, he has a way to sabotage the train and thus taking his merciless revenge. Soon enough Super Express is racing through the countryside with no breaks. And to ensure the film title is accurate, somebody leaves the gas running in the kitchen.....

From the beginning of the ride we are one by one introduced to quite a few people and couples, each having a little story of their own to told – a pregnant woman, a smuggler on the run and a detective going after him, a newly-married couple, a teacher supervising little kids...... Most notable among them being none other than Ashok and Seema (Hema Malini), who have once upon a time planned a wedding, but all went wrong and they drifted apart, and then there is also a thief Ravi (Jeetendra) hoping to rob the runaway bride Madhu (Neetu Singh).... As the film progresses, everything that can go wrong does, to the point one asks themselves what are the chances.

Flaws in logic bugged me. It is great that we have heroic men willing to take a risk, but why in the world would you not try and lessen the possibility of killing yourself? Why, when they first decide to climb on the top of the train in order to reach the locomotive, don´t they normally walk to the first boogie right behind it and THEN climb out? Not only safer, but also lot quicker, and would have spared us the whole burning drama. I guess our heroes had the logic blackout for the sake of the film not to be called „Speeding train“. This was not the only instance when I had to roll my eyes and accept that movie logic is not even a distant cousin of real life logic.

Super Express has more than an impressive starcast. There are so many well -known faces it was impossible to list them all above. From Dharam and Vinod and Jeetendra, to their three girlfriends and Simi Garewal singing religious songs with bunch of kids and many, many more. Everybody does their job well (except for Hema Malini, who just fails to impress me yet again, but thankfully has not much screentime), nobody really overshadows anyone and the many pieces of the star puzzle fit nicely together. As I have mentioned, I was properly shocked by actually liking Jeetendra. I don´t know what happened to him later in the 80s, that he became was utterly boring, bad and ridiculous, but here he was watchable enough. Makes one wonder what it was that kept the filmstars so much without ego, because there is no way one could pull off three major male and three major female stars in one film casting coup today.

The Burning Train has a great thrill and tension factor. The pace is even and not slowed down by the songs (brilliant album overall – meaning you remember them all after just one listening!) or emotional scenes. There is not time to loose as the fire gets nearer, and so the filmmakers do not loose it – something that is not always considered an option. One only wishes there was more shown about our villain Randhir, then again I suppose we are not supposed to feel for him, no matter how unreasonably awful our heroes had been to him.

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Asoka

Directed by: Santosh Sivan

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Danny Denzongpa

Released: 2001

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I love history which in many cases leads to my hatred for many a historic film. Because way too often it is taken more as an inspiration for a story, using names and background, but it ends up being so manipulated, so violated, that it is beyond my ability to forgive. Asoka, as I understand, is one such film. Yet it remained spared my hatred. Why? Because when I first watched it my knowledge of Indian history was equal to zero. All I saw was a touching story and well made film. It was only later, when my knowledge increased, that I realized how inaccurate from historical point of view it actually was. Because of this I understand why people have been let down by the film, and why they don´t like it. For me though it remains what it originally was – a good movie. In fact, better than (in my opinion) overrated Lagaan, which it released alongside with and was compared to in many aspects. And to give Asoka some credit, it stated at the very beginning it is not an attempt at recreation of history...

What it is a recreation of, though only partly and I don´t think they admitted it, is a Sunil Dutt/Vyjayanthimala film Amrapali. Asoka makers took the best elements of the story and added them to the historic background of Asoka and his character. And thus we meet Asoka, a prince in disguise, roaming in a foreign country, removed by the wish of his mother from the royal court, where his own brothers would like to get rid of him, since he is extremely capable, and they can only match him as far as ambitions go. Taking a common name Pawan, he encounters another exiled royalty – princess Kaurwaki and her little brother Arya, who are on the run from unknown murderers who took lives of their parents. Asoka and Kaurwaki fall in love, but fate is not kind to them. Bound by a promise Asoka cannot reveal his identity and just a few days of separation from the hunted royal siblings end up in disaster.....

The beginning of the film, especially the initial bits of Asoka/Pawan withdrawing into a self-imposed exile, is actually kind of sloppy. There is bit too much of dorkiness in the prince, in other words Shahrukh is that funny, adorable himself I love, but it somehow doesn´t fit the character. From the profession of love for Kaurwaki, however, the film becomes better and better, causing much of a heartbreak and reaching its bitter, but still satisfactory ending. During this time Shahrukh Khan truly ceases to be Shahrukh and bit by bit he is devoured by Asoka – the character, who comes alive through him. The helpless indifference, the pain that cries for revenge or little moments of gentleness, Mr. Khan gave it all his best.

I recall that Asoka was the very first film I have seen of Kareena Kapoor – and I cannot be grateful for it enough. Had my first film of hers been KKKG, I would probably hate her guts for quite some time. But instead she was introduced to me as Kaurwaki, daring, brave and yet not fearless, very feminine and very strong. I loved her. Sure, I had to tolerate her very much non-historic wardrobe and wondered how she managed to paint her eyes so elaborately even while on the run, but in the end Kaurwaki impresses. Strangely enough I rooted both for her AND Devi, a girl Asoka marries, to have a happy ending. I liked them both, as they were both so full of love and so deeply rooted in their principles. Danny Denzongpa completes the main cast, as reliable and admirable as ever.

Cinematography is – simply put – gorgeous. A times as if camera forgot about the characters and story, and lingered for a while on a minor detail, brought it up to its attention and admired its beauty. Musical score is beautiful – with an exception of the „evil theme“ stolen from the Lord of the Dance soundtrack – and Roshni Se has to be one of the most wonderfully picturized love songs ever.

As I have said before, the film lifts the most important moments from Amrapali. It doesn´t necessarily work as a period film, as mentioned before, but it works wonderfully as a love story with a historical background. And when you get used to Shahrukh´s long hair.... it´s even better :)

In fact... it makes him even more sexy....

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First Love Letter

Directed by: Shiva

Starring: Vivek Mushran, Manisha Koirala, Chunky Pandey

Released: 1991

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I have not seen any proper 90-ish cliché film for such a long time I devoured this one without feeling guilty at all. I enjoyed it thoroughly for all it´s cheesiness. It is one of those films you should never ever show or recommend to somebody not yet used to Bollywood (especially Bollywood before Hum Aapke Hain Koun), because there are things for which not even the famous „WTF“ is enough. But as a guilty pleasure it makes for an uncomplicated and even heartwarming watch.

Some gorgeous young Manisha to feast your gaze first. The film is definitely easy on eyes.

Thakur Ajit Singh (Danny Denzongpa) is a wealthy man who has fixed his daughter´s aliance with another noble house, but the girl in question, Radha (Manisha), is not excited at all over a prospect that everything in her life has always been set up for her. Finally she manages to persuade her father to let her go for a few days into a country and there, dressed as a servant to slip pass through her bodyguards, she runs into a flute-playing milkman Shyam (Vivek). Charmed by his flute and totally gaga over the fact their names match so wonderfully she promptly falls in love with him and they spend the next thirty minutes frolicking in each others arms and roaming woods and meadows. In fear he might get scared (and heck, would he have a good reason) Radha „forgets“ to tell her boyfriend whose daughter she actually is. And when daddy shows up one day, it leads to just first of many conflicts that begin to pile as the footage moves on.

Then came a second half where lot of people would scream "Yeh nahin ho sakta" and there would be lots and lots of weeping, suffering and self-harming. There is Chunky Pandey as an unwanted husband drowning the fact he can´t sleep with Manisha in alcohol, and sporting some awesome Rishi Kapoor sweaters. There is Reema Laggoo and Dalip Tahil as life-disappointed individuals to show you how nasty Danny Denzongpa not only is, but has always been, all for the sake of his good name and wealth. There is a parrot that can easily make it into my unofficial list of overly smart animals. And there is Gulshan Grover with hair too wild to be tamed.

This deserved a screen cap. Because you know.... he´s worth it!

I genuinely loved Manisha (young and gorgeous and really good though inexperienced) and her falling in love with Vivek Mushran (totally not a hero material, but OK enough to pass off as one in something like this), it was all so cute and sweet and the songs were beautiful. It all actually made me miss the songs where hero and heroine would be literally running over the meadows, without a need to transport themselves into some more exotic location, and without any dramatic shots or editing. I wonder if we ever get to see something as simple and disarming as this again? 

It was flawed (heavily) and it was WTF (as I have warned you at the beginning), yet I do not regret watching it. The finale had me really laughing. Really. Only in Bollywood you finish the film with a lover on a burning pyre while his girl is singing a song to make it rain. And it works of course. But wait, it gets better. I think from now on the saving by a cow has to be my absolute favourite.

"Imma gonna burn for ya!"

"Calm down Manisha. Just sing and make dramatic faces. Rain will come down to put out the pyre."

"WTF who came up with this?"

I also have to proudly note that I watched this without subtitles and understood great deal of what was said and could figure out the rest. In the end this was not really any deep philosophical script. Lot´s of "RADHAAAAAAAAAAA" "MERE SHYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM" "MAIN YEH SHAADI NAHIN HO SAKTI" "TUMNE MUJHE JHOOT BOLA" "SHYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM" "RADHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" ..... you know, the basic 90s Bollywood stuff.

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