Dhoom 3

Directed by: Vijay Krishna Acharya

Starring: Aamir Khan, Abhishek Bachchan, Katrina Kaif, Uday Chopra, Jackie Shroff

Released: 2013

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - shitastic - good – great – amazing

I feel that after this film I need to add one more word into my rating – SHITASTIC. Because that is the only way how to describe how awesome and awful Dhoom 3 is (maybe I should call it „awesful“?). I thought the first movie of the franchise decent, the second absolutely horrendous. And this one just bloody ridiculous. But given I had my brain boiled by intense studying and was in a desperate need of letting everything just go for a moment, I ended up enjoying this first class trash to the fullest.

Uday Sparrow.

First of all, I made a mistake listing the cast above. The correct order should be: Aamir Khan, Aamir Khan, supported by Aamir Khan, a bike, Aamir Khan, and some extras. What makes it a part of Dhoom franchise is not Jai and Ali, a duo of idiotic cops, but bikes doing mad shit and story so questionable you cannot take any bit of it seriously. It is not a masala film in that slightly rustic 80s style (that needs to die a quick death for the sake of humanity), it looks way more polished, almost slick, almost like a good movie. But then of course bikes ride on ropes and rickshaws break through numerous brick walls, and American police calls for help two of the most incompetent Indian cops who have screwed up every big case in the past. And by the time the big twist comes you have guessed already, but Jai Dixit has not.

Suddenly..... diorrhea.

Unlike previous Dhoom, which was just totally random, Aamir – as Sahir AND Samar, is given a backstory. All the silliness that happens has a certain motivation, which at least gives it a frame, that kinda holds it all together. There is no shit (am using this word often in this review, am I not?) love story that would make you roll your eyes and wish the lovers dead already. On the other hand it is all about robbing a bank and yet not once you see the bank robbed (huh?), but the makers try to make up for it with ENDLESS bike/car chases that always end up with Aamir´s magical bike pulling off some magic trick. The circus showed in the prologue (which interestingly feels like something from the 20s instead of the year 1990) provides just really secondary magic tricks (no wonder the bank was not impressed), the new circus Aamir launches seems to have ONE show number that goes on every night and forever.

But I guess nobody cares about the reruns. As long as Ms. Kaif is wearing only glitter.

Aamir Khan has a constipated expression as Sahir and his act as Samar is actually painful. The film entirely belong to him still, even if his bulging muscles make him move rather uncomfortably. Abhishek Bachchan sports a frowned brow and grim stare all the time, it is obvious the makers had no idea what to do with him. Any random cop could have provoke the exact same things from Sahir and the character of Jai is really no longer required. As for Uday Chopra, he is in because everybody needs a sidekick they can pester and Jai ain´t no different. 

No clever caption. I just loved her hair.

Katrina Kaif has about 20 minutes in the film (that already includes 3 songs). She fits the role. She is quite cute and no acting histrionics are required anyway. Dhoom girl is about sex appeal, good looks and glamour, all of which she provides generously, and for the first time ever I truly appreciated her dancing. She was REALLY good, and only few bits of choreography made her look awkward. Most importnatly her character does not refer to herself in third person (Sunehri was really pissing me off with this in Dhoom 2. Like who the hell does that?) It felt good to see Jackie Shroff in his cameo, he was reliable as always, although his character was one whacko of a „loving“ father.

I set fire to the box! Bow down to my magic, bitches!

Songs blend in well with the film – the best one by far is Malang. All that money they put into picturization definitely paid of. The number is SPECTACULAR and must have been amazing to experience on big screen. On the other hand Aamir Khan should apologize for that tap dance in the beginning. Camera work is beautiful, and the only technical aspect that was not up to mark were special effects. The amount of cars crashed and flying through the air must have made Rohit Shetty green with envy.

Dhoom 3 is definitely the best of the horrible franchise. It is awful but extremely entertaining. So bad it´s good. All glamour, no substance or logic. And apparently every criminal prefers to throw themselves off the cliff rather than be arrested by Jai Dixit.

Do you think he charged producer twice?

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Race

Directed by: Abbas-Mustan

Starring: Saif Ali Khan, Akshaye Khanna, Anil Kapoor, Bipasha Basu, Katrina Kaif, Sameera Reddy

Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

With the upcoming Race two in the pipeline I decided to watch the first film, to see if I my expectations for the sequel should be high or low or even in existence, and also to understand the probable references to the first film should there be any (yes, in spite of knowing Bollywood sequels are rarely sequels at al.... more like an alternative reality story for the same characters, when nothing what we have seen actually happened).

Ranveer (Saif) and Rajeev (Akshaye) are two step-brothers, who at the first sight couldn´t be more in love with each other. Especially Ranveer is doting on his younger bhaiya, even giving up a sexy Sonia (Bipasha Basu) he himself is crushing on, just because Rajeev while drunk once blabs something about giving up alcohol should he get the gal. And so Ranveer with soaring heart makes sure they end up together. But if you think we are going the Sangam way here, you are mistaken. Because in Race nothing really is what it seems, in fact by the end of the film you grow suspicious even of apples and oranges. 

"Did you steal my conditioner?"

To sum it up just quickly: we have a deadly-silent older brother (he is the good one, the one who only kills people who want to kill him, otherwise you´re cool), a more vocal sharaabi younger brother (who kills anyone he needs to be out of the way), a dusky Sonia (who sleeps with the brother she is not married to), a fair long-legged secretary (Katrina Kaif after a disturbing lip job, and dubbed – which doesn´t help as the dubber is even worse than Katrina´s normal voice and diction), and a bit later let enter an amazingly uncool police investigator (Anil Kapoor) who manages to devour just about every fruit that exists on the planet, and his completely dumb 20-something assistant (Sameera Reddy), and they all want their big fat share of paisa. Everyone works with everybody to deceive everyone else.

After a rather boring and unhappening 40 minutes the film gets a good tempo and there is definitely no shortage of twists - some of which I guessed beforehand and some that were completely unexpected (like yeah, I actually was willing to believe Katrina´s character was the only good girl in the whole thing). The dialogues in those first 40 minutes were extremely cringeworthy, consisting mostly of real everyday stuff like "let´s have lunch" and "good morning". The ending should have been tighter and explaining seemed too lengthy.

"Om-nom-nom-nom."

Congratulations to Abbas-Mustan. What a brilliant move to involve the super-annoying Sameera Reddy in a stupid role that made me want to smack her face so badly. Brilliant, because she makes Katrina look a blessing and I am not even sarcastic! I don´t know why Anil signs such embarrassing roles. To see him with girls so much younger than him is just weird. And it´s not like he is evolving as an actor with roles like these. Saif is good, so is Bipasha (although I just cannot bring myself to believe her whenever she acts the good one - she just looks so cunning all the time!), but the real show-stealer is the ever-underrated youngest Khanna. He was brilliant. I guess bad movie choices were his doom, because he is easily among the most convincing and versatile actors I´ve seen Bollywood in the past 20 years. 

Songs try too hard to be sexy, but came off as boring. The actresses are way too obviously put „out there“, in case of Zara Zara song Katrina is actually looking more completely desperate for attention rather than being mysterious or seductive, there is nothing intricate or really feminine about the presentation of „sexy“. Made by guys, for guys, I guess. Also the comedy track was completely off. It served no purpose and wasn´t really funny either. Race is a fine watch, that could have been better. Tighter. Quicker. More stylish. Challo, maybe the second one will learn from the mistakes?

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Jab Tak Hai Jaan

Directed by: Yash Chopra

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Katrina Kaif, Anushka Sharma

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

In spite of the fact there were other movies that earned more, I don´t think it´s wrong to say Jab Tak Hai Jaan was the biggest release of the last year, at least as far as expectations are concerned. Well, not mine really, because I never considered Yash Chopra a great director, I did not like the promos and it is no secret I don´t exactly love Katrina Kaif. That, I guess, allowed me to be more benevolent to the film than I would have been had I expected something amazing. Because the film is far from being so. In fact, it is quite far from being good even. Jab Tak Hai Jaan is simple entertainer that does manage to be bearable for most part, but you have to deliberately forgive it much, maybe even too much. The faint-worthy reviews that flooded the media right before the premier were talking about the most epic of the epic films ever, which to be honest I believe were strongly influenced by the sad demise of the director shortly before and nobody dared to give a bad review. It was only after a while that reviews more accurate and less impressed began to appear. Indeed, there are two ways of seeing Jab Tak Hai Jaan. First – while watching the only thing you see is that this is the last film of am extremely popular director, popular not only as a filmmaker, but as an off-screen persona also. Second – you watch it as a film, detached from the facts of reality, and without sentiments. And that was how I watched it. And that is why I can say Jab Tak Hai Jaan is among those Yash Chopra films that are simply not good.

No ammount of sexy could save the script from bombing.

To be fair it is not the direction that is wrong, not at all. The main culprit is the script full of plot holes and characters that are not appealing. Nonsense piled upon nonsense, until I was just left wondering how much further it can go. The first ten minutes are already full of loopholes. Why didn´t Samar jump for Akira sooner? Why after getting her out of water he obviously took time to dress her into his own coat BEFORE starting resuscitating her? Who is as stupid as to leave their army jacket with everything in the pockets inside (including „Dear Diary“) with a completely unknown person? Well, that is Major Samar Anand for you. A man of extreme sexiness, being all quiet and communicating with intense stares. As Akira finds out from the diary, he used to be 25 (or 28, some contradictory information were given) once upon a time, all hyper and full of zest, slogging happily in London and doing various jobs that didn´t really earn him much. He meets a rich girl Meera, who is unsure of what she wants in life, NEVER feels cold and is also a bit of a racist (back in the day she was a blonde white child begging God not to get her married to any Indian because they are brown), and falls in love with her. 

Did I mention that it is possible to become a waiter at the most snobbish London restaurant without a proper knowledge of English, just by being able to order fish quickly for a certain person?

It takes a while before she decides to return his feelings, because she is engaged to a white guy, but after a heart-to-heart talk with a mother who has left her as a child to be with her lover and did not contact her for years, Meera decides Samar is worth it. They are as happy as one can imagine. They have cute time and sexy time and let´s-run-through-the-whole-London-to-see-him-off-to-work time, until Samar decides not to heed the basic rules of driving which results into him being run over by a car and Meera doing what every sensible girlfriend would: she immediately promises to God that if he lets Samar live, she will never see him again. Because that is how God works for Meera, you see? He lets her pass exams and she gives up chocolate (instead for example promising to use her education to better the lives of others).

"Give me some acting skills and take my firstborn!"

And so when Samar comes to his senses, she comes to announce she loves him and she is ditching him. Instead of realizing Meera is dumb, Samar is angry at „sir Jesus“ and to prove Meera wrong he decides to join Indian army and play with his life (although if he really wanted to prove his point he could have just commit suicide) as a leader of a bomb-disposal unit in Kashmir. That is where annoying Discovery channel reporter Akira steps in with her completely inappropriate wardrobe and puke-worthy presentation of today´s generation of girls, and falls in love with Samar within days after learning his sob-story.

IMO those ten years in Kashmir did him well. Drooling.

Akira wants Samar to go to London for a day, so her bosses can verify her film on him, and after some thinking Samar indeed comes. And is hit by a car, which I can only see as a not too subtle a message of the film that you should look to the right and to the left before you cross the road. When he wakes up in a hospital, it turns out he has lost his memory. Well, not entirely. He only doesn´t remember anything that happened after his first accident – including Meera ditching him the same way she gave up chocolates. The genius doctor decides that the best way to bring on Samar´s memory is to create a false reality for him, where everybody will lie to him and make up fake memories, a reality where Meera is his wife and he owns a big restaurant in London. Because yeah, that is how he is surely going to remember he spent ten years playing with death on the other side of the world. 

That one moment when I could relate to Akira.

As for Meera, she did not marry anyone, did not age a day, and spent those ten years moping around. She agrees to be a part of the plan, but gives up few days later, because being close to Samar gives her pain – because she still hasn´t understand God is not a vengeful monster who works on her command and that he actually has understanding for things like love. Fortunately Samar gets his memory back – in one of the least exciting bomb-disposal scenes ever, and returns to Kashmir. If you think he finally came to his senses and realized Meera is just a dumb bench, you are wrong, and so we get to see him being reunited with her, as she randomly changes her mind in the end.

"Why should I let you defuse a bomb? I don´t even know who you are!"

"I am a random brown guy with obvious knowledge of explosives. I cannot possibly be a terrorist who came by to make sure things go boom. How will you live with yourself if you won´t  let me solve this without questioning?"

"Let him in. He´s sexy. There is no way this could go wrong."

The saddest part is that the film at no point really gives you a vibe of being an epic love story. That is largely given by Shahrukh sharing no chemistry whatsoever with either of the actresses, and not even the infamous three kisses he shares with Katrina, and around which a lot has been written, save anything. They are not as awkward as some people were describing them, but at the same time they were just so randomly thrown in and thanda and not needed one asks what lead Yash Chopra and SRK both to break an old rule they both had. At the same time I don´t understand the big hoopla about it.

"Yeah, it´s not like I haven´t showed my naked butt in a film before."

What actually irritated me was when, after watching the movie, I realized that Shahrukh had pretty much nothing to do. Everything shown he has done before – and better. There was not a single scene he could actually sink his teeth into, and indeed he served more like an impuls the two women reacted to more than and actual hero. Both Katrina and Anushka had, ironically, better roles (in terms of making things happen, not in terms of being good characters). Samar Anand thus becomes one of the least inspiring and memorable SRK´s characters. I also found it ridiculous that they tried to pass him off as being 25. Camera filters did erase his wrinkles (to the point he seemed a cartoon at times), but it couldn´t erase the maturity of his face, eyes, or voice. He is good, of course. But at the same time extremely lukewarm compared to his other roles. And I realized, that I don´t want Shahrukh to do films like these. I don´t want him to be a loverboy. Not again, not anymore. Let him do a mature romance. That is something I would love to see.

Katrina Kaif is no longer irritating on screen for me. And she can dance well. However her lack of acting skills is once again for everyone to see. Meera is not a well-written character (she has to be the worst YRF heroine ever), but there was potential in the role for a good performer to turn her into something. Katrina however, makes her only worse. What is it that Samar saw in Meera apart from her being hot? In the best moments she still seems detached from what is going on around her. Her expressions hardly ever changes, apart from her mouth being opened of shut, her dialogue delivery remains cringe-worthy. Meera´s dealing with God were nothing short of disgusting for me. I probably wouldn´t dare to say anything if Meera was a Hindu or Muslim, or belonged to any religion I am not a part of and hence cannot really comment on, but she was a Christian, and there I can firmly say, that she had the most deformed vision of God possible. A God who trades life successes for minor discomforts, a God to whom it is more important that you fulfill a promise that came out of your own mind and not on any demand of His than that His children prosper in love together, that is not a Christian God, that is some strange creature with ways more similar to devil than „sir Jesus“. 

Neutral.

Annoyed.

Uncertain.

Emotional

Relieved.

Devastated/suffering.

Happy.

Anushka Sharma, on the other hand, does have it in her to give us a good performance – Akira however is yet another in her growing collection of bubbly characters she has done in films like Patiala House, Ladies vs. Ricky Bahl and Band Baaja Baraat. Hyper, loud, cheerful, ambitious. And terribly annoying. In her case I am not sure if the blame is hers or if it should be put completely on Aditya Chopra and his poor writing skills. Anupam Kher, Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Singh have fleeting cameos, but are a welcomed relief. In fact the moment when Neetu recognizes „her daughter“ who had come to visit her, brought a tear in my eye.

"We should teach them what is romance, no?"

One thing I have to admit: The film doesn´t feel old-fashioned, in spite of some old-fashioned elements, Yash Chopra indeed was young in spirit. That however doesn´t make Jab Tak Hai Jaan any better. It is an average fair, below par next to everything Yash Chopra ever did (and I´ve seen), that even in the music department. Out of the whole soundtrack only Chhala and Jiya Re are worthy of more attention. The title song doesn´t stick in mind, and Saans and Heer are nice, but too whiny to listen to after a while. Ishq Shava I almost forgot about already. The opening titles melody I loved. In fact Shahrukh Khan riding his bike to the music was the best part of the whole movie for me.

Jab Tak Hai Jaan is a movie that doesn´t do justice to absolutely anyone involved, least of all an iconic director, whose films I may not love, but I still respect for his contribution to the cinema.

"This was supposed to top Lamhe, dammit."

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Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

Directed by: Zoya Akhtar

Starring: Hrithik Roshan, Farhan Akhtar, Abhay Deol, Katrina Kaif, Kalki Koechlin

Released: 2011

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Even among the not that impressive pieces Bollywood managed to churn out this year (which I overally rate as very poor) it is possible to find several pearls and Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara is definitely one of them. It was largely compared to Dil Chahta Hai, but even though it will probably not gain such a cult status, it has made a great impact on the audience and I even dare say it is in many aspects better. One of the greatest plus points for me was a truly equal importance of the three main characters and that they had an equal amount of screentime (whil in DCH it was mostly Aamir with two other heroes criminally sidelined, but more about that in DCH review which is eventually coming as well...).

The story starts with one rather awkward misunderstading. Kabir (Abhay) shows his girlfriend Natasha (Kalki) a ring he bought, which immediately leads her to accept what she considers a marriage proposal – only to find out seconds later he had bought the ring for his mother. However not wanting to embarrass himself or Natasha in public (because it kinda all happened on a birthday party) he actually does propose. And as soon as excited Natasha starts planning her perfect wedding, Kabir is going for a three-week long bachelor trip through Spain with his old friends Imraan (Farhan) and Arjun (Hrithik), as they had promised to each other years ago. The catch of the trip is that each of them is supposed to secretly choose an adventure sport and all three have to go through it no matter what (MEN! Or maybe more like.... BWOYS!).

Bwoys chale Spain.

However old rishtas are not as perfect as they used to be – especially the bond between Arjun and Imraan has apparently suffered. And as it turns out, none of them is going to Spain just to enjoy a trip. Arjun is trying to run away from being emotionally hurt by his ex-girlfriend getting married, Imraan is searching for his biological father and Kabir himself may not be actually be that happy about the prospect of getting married soon... All that is what probably makes them even more adamant when it comes to the adventure sports they have chosen – from scuba-diving to an annual Spanish custom of running with the bulls. All the sports can go terribly wrong. But maybe facing the death with and realizing that you don´t live twice is what the whole trip is about...

Or maybe it all is about an unforgivable waste of food.

Slow (at the verge of boring) at times, rapid at moments, even in its pace, the film is relying on the script more than anything else. Sure, the big star and glamor factor is included in the form of Hrithik and Katrina Kaif, but eventually their screentime is no longer than that of the rest of the actors (in the case of Katrina it´s actually very limited) as I have mentioned at the very beginning. It does use the gorgeous Spanish scenery, but somehow you feel it´s not about visual amazement, more like about what all that visual beauty evokes in you. And the same case is with music, which frames everything nicely. Basically everything deserves a praise from an un-fearing direction to delightufully fine performances. It was refreshing to see someone as impressive but underrated as Farhan doing such a fabulous job as Imraan, looking for his biological father without really knowing what to expect and being ultimately disappointed by what he finds (even though considering he finds the very much amazing Naseeruddin Shah it´s almost criminal to say it like that). It was fun to see Abhay Deol in a rather fun role for a change and it was definitely a treat to watch Hrithik morphing from an arrogant and self-centered businessman into an emotional human being (but not as emotional as to be called over the top or unbelievable).

Moshi moshi!

Katrina Kaif, for the first time in her life, managed not to make me fall asleep, and actually did a good job. One can always argue the role she had was not challenging (it definitely was not as it apparently reflected Katrina´s own personality a lot and did not go through any development), but she did well with whatever she was given. If there was something I did not like about her it was her lisping. I usually cannot hear her bad Hindi pronunciation (being a non-Hindi speaker myself), but she lisps even in English, most of the time her „r“ comes out as „w“. Kalki Koechlin is a delight. She is a far cry from the typical Bollywood beauties, but her earthy and real attitude combined with natural charm makes her truly endearing even if her character is not. And of course, who can forget about Bagwati... wah! Kya acting hai! Plus I´m sure it was Bagwati who made the greatest impact of the whole cast, setting a trend by herself.

The best debutant of 2011.

The movie does not really have a Bollywood or even Indian feel to it, in spite of several songs (and one perfectly performed by the actors themselves) and Farhan´s own beautiful and soulful poetry included. I don´t really think it is a pity, because it works as it is, but should anyone ask, this is definitely not what possible newcomers should expect from Bollywood. We are given some interesting points to think about as well as some excellent one liners and memorable quotes. It all flows beautifully, makes you feel beautifully and maybe you might even learn something about yourself. It gives laughs and gives tears. Just like life that you don´t live twice.

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Chikni Chameli thoughts

Second by second Chikni Chameli has made its way to the public. An item number meant to spice up the upcoming Karan Johar´s production Agneepath, it is going to fully rock the screens early next year. After Sheila and Munni in 2010, that both enjoyed huge popularity, 2011 seems almost bare without it sown iconic item number. Sure, there were at least three attempts – Deepika in Dum Maro Dum remake, Yana Gupta gyrating her hips and looking rather sickly in Challo Dilli and I think I´ve heard something about „Shallu“ - but have not seen the song or the film... The fact remains 2011 was rather uneventful for Bollywood in general, and considering it´s BOLLYWOOD I actually did miss dancing in films.

I never would have though I would be thanking Katrina Kaif for reminding us that dancing is actually an essential, and one of the best parts of Indian cinema. Her Sheila was a well-shot video, but there was not much of an actual dancing. However promo of Chikni Chameli promises to be better. It leaves behind the Sheila image and actually is channeling Munni! The rustic look, play of colours (Katrina in bright shades of yellow and red while everything else is brown), chest and torso thrusting back and forth.... The choreographer is Ganesh Acharya, out of whose work so far I´ve only liked one song – Badi Mushkil from Lajja – and that was no doubt because of the dancer more then the choreography itself.... Chikni Chameli has some moves that looks plain weird at first, but after few rewatches become to seem rather cool – and probably a signature movements as well.

Katrina has apparently worked really hard. She may still be a below average actress, but she is a fairly good dancer, definitely one of the better ones in Bollywood of today. She looks beautiful in the song and what gets her few more points is the fact she also improved her expressions. The quick editing and change of camera angles also ads to her efforts. Another pleasant point – though Katrina is presented in a very sexy way, one does not get the slightly awkward feel Sheila Ki Jawani caused. Chikni Chameli is a bit naughty, but I don´t think it´s degrading women in a way Sheila did. True, Chameli is apparently lighting up cigarets with her hotness, but it´s nowhere near the drooling sleazy director in Sheila.....

What puzzles me however, are statements like „Katrina dances like no other actress ever has“, uttered by people like Riteish Deshmunk and others. Makes me wonder if they have ever watched any Vyjayanthimala film. Or Madhuri. Or Sridevi. Or Meenakshi Sheshadri. Or Hema Malini. Or even Aishwarya and Rani. Katrina is no way on their level of dancing and I can only forgive comments like that thinking it´s the excitement over something new (and for a long time un-seen).

So welcome Chikni Chameli. Hopefully you´ll again remind filmmakers that dancing is not uncool.

UPDATE aka how I was forced to change my mind. Read about it in my film review: http://bollywood-ish.blogspot.com/2012/04/agneepath.html

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Films I did not bother to finish

New York

Directed by: Kabir Khan

Starring: John Abraham, Katrina Kaif, Neil Mukesh, Irfaan Khan

Released: 2009

How much I could take: 48 minutes 17 seconds

New York the city is full of life, dangerous, fascinating, thrilling and engaging. New York the 2009 Hindi film is a total snooze-fest. What was it about? I´m not sure. I remember some police raid, Irfaan being a bad cop during some interrogation that lead to flashback to fluffy college memories full of parties and playing rugby, Katrina having atrocious red sections in her hair and then there was some attempt for a little romance..... Yeah – and then the tragic events from 9/11 are shown, but by that time my mind was so completely turned into a jelly I did not really get what it had to do with anything..... Performances do not save the day – on the contrary! John and Katrina combo sends „New York“ to the deepest hell, Irfaan lacks his usual grip and Neil Mukesh disappears from your mind the moment he lefts the screen frame. This film might be ideal for putting your kids to sleep, but at the same time it might have seriously bad effect on their mental health. It sure disturbed mine.

Tees Maar Khan

Directed by: Farah Khan

Starring: Akshay Kumar, Katrina Kaif, Akshaye Khanna

Released: 2010

How much I could take: 36 minutes 14 seconds

Possibly the crappiest film of the whole 2010. There may be even worse ones, but they were not as half as hyped and talked about hence the disappointment and shock over the sheer stupidity was not THAT striking. After I was disgusted by the opening titles where some freaky dancing (and yet unborn) baby indulges in some serious adultery, I was offered a truly mindless and cheap humour which had me asking my own intelligence. I was never smitten by Akshay Kumar as an actor, but I always found him at least watchable, but here he annoyed me like hell from the first second. And when the groovy Sheila Ki Jawani (the ONLY good part of the film) ended and I was presented with Katrina Kaif whom my washing machine could give a lesson or two about natural acting my patience and good will waved bye bye and went to sunbath to Italy. The reviews were promising some hope in the form of my dear Akshaye Khanna, but all the idiocy going on completely killed any desire to wait for his appearance. Watch only if your IQ equals to the one of a wooden rocking horse or you´re on drugs.

Dil Toh Bachcha Hai Ji

Directed by: Madhur Bhandarkar

Starring: Ajay Devgn, Emraan Hashmi, Omi Vaidya

Released: 2011

How long I could take: 1 hour 34 minutes 36 seconds

What a MEH movie. It isn´t really anything - not a romance, not drama, not comedy.... in fact it is really just MEH..... It was supposed to belong to all the characters, but in the end it belonged to nobody. All the characters are very shallow and you don´t care one bit for any of them. I was waiting for some relationship development between the three guys, but there is none. They simply get introduced and are best friends the next second. The women they are chasing are meh. The music is meh. The jokes are non-existent. It terribly drags and you get the feeling you are still at the beginning, because nothing is really going on. It´s like three stories put together, but having absolutely nothing in common. Ajay and Emraan are totally wasted, even though Ajay again proves his versatility and Emraan his great charisma. Meh film. Not really worth it.

Raajneeti

Directed by: Prakash Jha

Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Ajay Devgn, Nana Patekar, Arjun Rampal

Released: 2010

How long I could take: 49 minutes 3 seconds

Raajneeti is a probably a good film and it only appears here because I did not understand it. Not one bit. I´m completely untouched by my country´s politics, and to venture into the Indian one is not my idea of fun. I had the best intentions and was even willing to suffer Katrina Kaif on screen, because I LOVE Nana Patekar, really like Ranbir Kapoor and Ajay Devgan and do not mind Arjun Rampal. But the great actors were, sadly for me, involved in scheming plots and occupied by affairs that I had a very difficult time understanding or even remembering them all. I was not bored by this one, not at all. I was lost, completely lost like a puppy in the jungles of Amazon. And so I did not finish it, even though it probably is, as I have already mentioned, a good film.

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Munni or Sheila?

If we look back to the year 2010, this time from musical point of view, the two most talked about songs were Munni Badnaam Hui and Sheila Ki Jawani. Both were the so-called item numbers.

"Munni" was sung by Mamta Sharma and it was featured in the super hit film Dabangg (starring Salman Khan as a main lead). Picturized on Salman´s bhabhi, popular item girl Malaika Arora Khan, the song was choreographed by none other then Farah Khan. Incidentally the same person also choreoraphed the second song - Sheila Ki Jawani, for her own film Tees Maar Khan. "Sheila", very, very much pre-hyped (and boasting of being the "new Ek Do Teen"), presented us acting-wise useless but looking-wise hot Katrina Kaif, the singer was Sunidhi Chauha. Both the songs are catchy, both are sexy. However should I choose only one, I´ll go with Munni. Why? Reason 1. - Malaika is better dancer then Katrina. Reason 2. - There is actually more dancing involved in Munni. Reason 3. - I will always prefer desi mood to western-influeced one in Indian films. Reason 4. - In Munni Salman does some unforgettable and hilarious moves in contrast to wooden Akshay Kumar in Sheila. Reason 5. - Dabang was so much better then Tees Maar Khan.

What about you? Do you want to see Munni go badnaam, or would you rather drool over Sheila´s jawani?

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